Category: Writers Block
sonata girl
She walked right out of the mental hospital. It was so easy, more easy than she thought it would be... She had been saving her sleeping pills for a while
now. She went behind the trash cans and threw up. Did she really want to do this? She was sure this was the only way to take away the pain, the pain of
losing her lover, Amanda. Amanda meant everything to her, but it all had went wrong. Her brief affair with Amanda was great until Amanda ended it. Katie
felt so alone, so fucking alone! She walked down the street, slowly, wondering where to go. She walked all the way home, grabbed the bottle of sky vodka
from the freezer and took all the pills in 3 big swallows of the vodka. She chugged more from the bottle, falling eventually to the floor into oblivion.
She wanted to be in oblivion, since she couldn't have Amanda, she didn't want to live anymore. Her last thought was of Amanda. Suddenly, in a drug induced
combatose state, Amanda appeared. "I'm sorry, Katie, I never meant for any of this to happen," Amanda said. As Katie looked up at the apparition, she knew
it was already too late. Was Amanda really there? Katie reached up to touch her, actually feeling Amanda's face in her oblivion. As Katie passed out, Amanda
slipped away, and so did Katie, forever.
Now, this is a great story, and your plot idea is great.
What I learned during my writing course these two weeks though, is that you're telling it all. Why don't you tell me how the hospital felt? Describe the trashcans? Describe what Katie is it? What did she think as she drank the vadca? Did it burn going down her throat?
Try to picture the story in your mind like a movie, and tell me all that you see (yes, see)
hear, taste, smell, touch and sense. That's what makes a story more than just words.
Try varying your words a little bit. I notice that the word, "she," is overused.
Jessica, great start. I would agree with what you've been told already. I also want to know more details. Why is amanda gone? And many others I can't think of at the moment. I was going to wait until tomorrow to read this, but yeah couldn't wait. I honestly think you've done a great job with it so far. Expand it and add more details and it'll be great.
thanks for all the suggestions. *smiles* I'll write more and add more to it when I have the time.
Yeah, it was really rushed. It seemed more like an outline. Try using more adjectives. Stretch it. Well, good start, and this is certainly not a bad idea.